UNITED PHONE LOSERS E-ZINE
issue no. 29 - January 31, 2005
this issue edited by rbcp
It's been more than 2 years now since the last UPL issue was released. And since linear and RTF are too busy and important to release a new one, I have decided that I, RedBoxChiliPepper, will be the new editor of UPL forever. Or until I get bored with being the new editor which will probably be immediately after this issue is released. Assuming that I even get as far as bothering to release it.
Since everything in this issue would likely be considered "Toneage" by linear's standards, I'm just going to forget about releasing an issue of Toneage at all and we can just consider this entire issue one big Toneage. In fact, linear was silly for thinking that anything UPL ever released could be cool enough NOT to be considered Toneage in the first place. What in the hell were you thinking, linear?? I might just change the name from UPL to Toneage. Take THAT, linear!
Anyway, enjoy this issue. There's nothing really all that useful contained within it. But really, was there ever?
--- RedBoxChiliPepper (rbcp at phonelosers dot org)
A long, long time ago Linear (I'm capitalizing his name to annoy him) was having a dilemma - he couldn't decide which domain name he should register for UPL and even if he could, he couldn't afford it anyway. So I said, "Hey Linear, how about I just GIVE you phonelosers.net. I'm not doing anything with it anyway."
"Really!?" exclaimed Linear. "Gee, RBCP, I always thought you were just the coolest guy and that's why I plagiarised all your PLA issues! You're so nice to do this for me, RBCP! Maybe I can visit you in Illinois someday and hang out with you!"
So after nicely turning down linear's offer to come and be best friends with me, I turned over phonelosers.net to him to do whatever he wanted with. AND HE LET IT EXPIRE! Oh, not right away, of course. First he ran a really cool zine off of it for a few years. But in early 2004, phonelosers.net turned into a generic domain offering travel discounts and online gambling. EvilCal contacted the new owner and tried to buy it from him but the guy wanted a few hundred bucks for it. And as much as EvilCal and I liked UPL, we weren't ready to give that much to save the domain.
I tried emailing the new owner of the domain again recently. I know he won't give it up for a reasonable amount but I emailed him anyway. Here are the email exchanges between us:
ME: Hello, how much are you selling phonelosers.net for?This guy is good at this negotiating stuff! Guess I just need to give up on the idea of ever getting phonelosers.net back. I'd give phonelosers.com
to linear but he's probably just lose that one too! Let's all just harass linear for letting it expire. His email address is linear at phonelosers dot net.
In UPL issues 19 and 20 I wrote a couple of articles on torturing people with nonstop automated calls from various faxback and web services. These were written more than 4 years ago when text messaging was kind of a new idea at the time and not that many people used it yet. Today just about everybody does it. And I don't think a cellular carrier exists that doesn't offer text messaging. This is where automated harassment via text messaging comes in.
The idea isn't too complicated. You send mean text messages to your victim and they cry a lot. But instead of texting your victim directly, you're going to text message hundreds of random cellular phone users and encourage THEM to annoy your victim with phone calls. A simple, "HEY ITS ME. PLEASE CALL ME AT 602-555-3819 QUICKLY!" will work.
The only problem is that text messaging hundreds of people is a lot of effort. And that's where my handy dandy perl script comes in. This article assumes that you're familiar with html and perl and can modify a little code. I'm not about to provide any technical support for any of the scripts you see below so don't email me any questions. Below is the code. I've had to insert a lot of extra line breaks to accomodate UPL's 80 column
width, but you should get the idea...
#!/usr/bin/perlThe perl code above, when installed correctly, will create a web site which looks like it offers a great collection of pornography. What it actually does is it takes the FORM code from the T-Mobile web site and spams random people in any area code you want with text messages with your victim's telephone numbers. You can either click the buttons yourself or you can attempt to drive lots of traffic to your site and let hapless web surfers do the work for you. Letting others do it would be wise so that your IP address isn't associated with the harassment.
To modify the code to suit your needs, you'll need to look on the Fone Finder website at http://www.fonefinder.net and find some T-Mobile exchanges to insert into the code. You'll probably want to put in exchanges which are close to your victim. So if your victim lives in South Carolina, you'll pick an area code like 803 or 843. When you put the area code into Fone Finder, you'll get a list of every exchange in that area code.
With telecommunication mergers constantly happening, you'll have to know what new cellular companies used to be called. For example, when looking for T-Mobile exchanges on this list you don't look for T-Mobile. You look for Voicestream, Omnipoint and Intercel. If you're looking for Cingular
Wireless, you look for MOBILECOMM, Florida Cellular and Pacific Bell Mobile. Verizon Wireless is Commnet, Airtouch and Nynex. There's many more old names you'll find in there. Look around on Google to find out who merged with who.
The sample code above only works with T-Mobile phone services. If you want to use another cellular carrier's text messaging then you'll need to go to that carrier's web site, take their code and modify it in the same fashion, replacing the "text" tags with "hidden" tags.
A good way to drive traffic to your new porn site might be to spam it to chat room users on IRC or Yahoo Chat. You could also take out some advertisements on late-night network TV stations. Or perhaps some full page ads in popular magazines or maybe get a guest spot on a popular radio show. There are some other ideas for promoting your fake porn site in UPL #19. There are also some points about security risks involved when doing something like this.
I've recently come up with an elite cellular phone exploit that I'm ready to share with the world. This elite cellular exploit could easily be summed up in just a couple of sentences but I've decided to ramble on and on about it for several pages instead. See, I've already covered a paragrah by talking about how much I'm going to ramble on and on. This should be easy. Over the summer I was at this bowling alley with some friends and we found a lady's cell phone. Instead of turning it in like good christians, we kept it. Not only did we keep it, we spent the next week harassing her and everyone in her phone's address book. After a few hours of this, she had her phone turned off. So we called up T-mobile and turned it right back on for her. A day later she turned it off again and we immediately turned it back on again. At that point she apparently gave up. They stopped answering their home phone and instructed their friends and families to just hang up on us when we called. None of this has anything to do with the amazing cellular exploit I'm about to reveal.
Anyway, at one point near the beginning of all this we called them up pretending to be the bowling alley and said that we found their lost phone. Just to tease them. To toy with them like a kitten toying with a ball of string. Isn't that a great metaphor? So that call ended with a bunch of yelling and they seemed to get the idea that we were employees of the bowling alley. So then, in hopes that these people were going to come to the bowling alley to yell at the employees in person, we called up the bowling alley, pretending to be the owner of a lost call phone and asked if they found it. They checked their lost and found and said they had several cell phones there but none of them were found recently.
This gave us a great idea! I would go to the bowling alley and tell them I lost my phone a few weeks ago and collect one of these random lost phones. So in the morning I did and I walked out with a shiney new Motorola cell phone! It just happened to be the exact same model as the phone we had found in there several days before. So we stopped at Staples and bought a $15 universal charger for it so that our fun wouldn't end when the batteries died.
A day or so later, I started calling up restaurants and asking if they had any cell phones in their lost and founds. Applebees said they had one so I told them I'd be right over to pick it up. On the phone they asked me what kind it was and I said, "Oh, it's uh, black and grey." Which pretty much describes most cell phones. She confirmed that this one was grey with a black leather case on it and even told me what brand it was. I said, "Yep, that's the one!"
So I went to Applebees and picked it up, surprised to find that once again, it was the same Motorola model as the other 2 phones I had! Now I had 3 identical phones and could charge them all. This newest one had a nice leather case and belt clip AND it had working service on it. Yes, working service. I could make as many calls as I wanted on it and we really took advantage of that.
Using elite methods that I learned from Tron's famous text file, we also managed to get service set up on both of the other phones. It's probably not a good idea for me to go into any detail about the weeks of fun we had with those phones. But trust me, we put those phones to very good use.
So after summer was over, I was back in Illinois and I started calling up local businesses and arranged to pick up even more phones. K-mart had 2 in their lost and found and described them both to me. So I went and claimed the Nextel phone and IT HAD SERVICE ON IT! I got to play with the walkie talkie feature and everything. Then that evening I went back to K-mart when a different employee was working and claimed the 2nd phone which was a T-Mobile phone and guess what? IT HAD SERVICE ON IT TOO! It turned out to be prepaid service and only had about 20 minutes left on it. I got a few other phones that ended up not having service on them but they were still nice phones.
Why do these phones have service on them? Well the prepaid phone is kind of obvious - there was only 20 minutes left on it and you probably can't cancel prepaid service anyway. But on the Nextel phone my guess is that the owner was under a contract and he couldn't afford to buy a new phone but he also couldn't afford to cancel his contract. So he just kept it turned on, maybe until he could afford a new phone someday. That's my guess anyway. And the other phone that had service on it appeared to belong to a teenage girl. Maybe she just didn't want to tell her parents that she lost her cell phone. Whatever the reason, both of those phones that had service on them never did get shut off during the few months that I had them.
And that's my elite cellular phone exploit. You call up random local businesses and ask them to check their lost and founds for "your" cell phone. I always claim that "my wife" lost her cell phone there so I'll have more of an excuse on why I don't know exactly what it looks like. If they ask the brand, I say something like, "Uhh, it's with U.S. Cellular. Is that a brand name?" They will almost always just tell you though. They have no reason to think that you'd be tricking them. Only once have I been denied, which was by an employee of Target.
Pretty much any business that people go into could have lost cell phones. Fast food, movie theaters, family places, malls, clothing stores, restaurants, libraries, bowling alleys, schools, etc.
Besides the obvious uses of unlimited, free, untraceable phone calls to a phreak, you could also make good money by selling your phones. I ended up selling one of the T-Mobile phones on Ebay and I got $20 out of it. And the working Nextel phone I gave to a friend of mine and she put service on it in her name, even though it already had someone else's service on it. The 3 identical Motorolas have all been destroyed because of all the terrible things we did with them. But Ebay showed we would have gotten $30 - $50 for each of them. The one Motorola from Applebees that had service on it STILL had service on it 3 months later and it probably still does today, even though the phone itself is gone.
You could turn something like this into some serious income. I'm not sure if this would be considered stealing or not. It probably would. But when I sold the phone on Ebay I explained that the phone came from a lost and found, just in case it wouldn't be possible to activate it if it were reported stolen. But we've set up service on many of the phones and it was never a problem. You could probably call the cellular companies and ask if the phones are stolen too.
So there you go. Unlimited free cell phones. Open up your yellow pages and start calling every business in there, asking if they found your phone. Once you get several businesses that have "your" phone, go out and pick them all up on the same trip. Then repeat. At the very least, you could sell the batteries on Ebay. Or you could start up a massive cellular phone museum in 20 years.
Phreaknic was fun. Fun to me is fleeing the state in terror of prosecution. Fun is getting screamed at by 30 somethings for calling them names. Fun is getting so drunk that you have to rely on other people to remember what you did. Phreaknic contained all of these things for me.
I didn't even know the people I was riding to Phreaknic with. They were students from NWMSU in Maryville. My brother attended that school for a year, I figured it was a safe bet. They showed up to my house an hour or so late, but thats my fault for giving totally horrible directions. We get my stuff situated into the economy and I pass out for an hour is so. The ride is uneventful, mainly talking about school, getting to know each other and such. I got the chance to watch the beginning of Resident Evil, which intrigued me.
We finally get to the hotel, register, get our free swag. Swag being a water bottle so the underage kids (me) get to carry about alcohol. An cat5 spindle and...thats it. I met Droops hanging out. He showed me his PA system and computer(!) in his truck. I invited him to crash in our room. The wifi network was pretty responsive, but of course, this was the day before the con. Iceknife gets the prize for the funniest quote. "Who the fuck is on cal.phonelosers.org?". We spent time fucking around on the network, sniffing out each other's packets, and taking pictures in front of the Days Inn sign.
Somewhere in the middle of this, Iceknife and his friend go to get food at some nice place. Droops and I head out in his truck in search of food. We didn't find anyway, dejected, we return to the hotel to see Stankdawg and Lucky225 arriving and checking in. We hang out with them for a while, Natas arrives during this time. Stankdawg has a huge box full of <BR> ishs with his docs on the side, which Droops promptly rips off and pockets. Stank says his sister is in town for some convention and takes all of us downtown to meet her and her co-workers.
The bar we were in was pretty nice. I ordered a drink with Droop's licence, and gave it to him to order with. The stoned waiter noticed, and took away my Smirnoff Ice. Denied. Oh well. Gay conversation ensued, Stank's sister is pretty attractive, too bad he didn't get any hot genes.
We got tired of that and left. Lucky, Natas, Stank, Droops and I begin walking around Nashville. Lucky bitches and whines that he is hungry and we walk into a totally closed Sbarro. Natas is pissed at this, and humps the plate glass window in front of people still eating in the closed to new customers pizza place. We saunter over to the BellSouth building. Natas decides he has to pee, and pisses in the fountain in the atrium of the Bell South building, Droops follows suit.
Stankdawg somehow manages to create a distraction for Lucky, Natas and myself. During this time he somehow moves all their shit down to a third floor room (from the sixth). I don't notice Droops recording on his camera during this time. Apparently Lucky's room key wont work on the sixth floor. Stank suggests we try the 'con organizer's' room on the third. Lucky tries his room key here, and it works. I don't know how Stank did it, and maybe the sleep depravation might have played a part, but he totally pwned natas, Lucky and I. It was mindbending to say the least. I guess he just asked the front desk to switch his rooms.
Pictures were taken, a good time was had by all. Sometime around 2am or so, JohnnyXmas shows up at the door awaking Droops and I out of a dead sleep. Sometime around 4am everyone is in the room. After much talking and laughter in the dark (kinda like camp, only geekier), we all pass out.
I awake on the floor across from Iceknife. I didn't sleep very well that night, and I say I got up at about 9AM. I hang out with Xmas and his girl
Rez and we decide to head out and find food. Now, since I didn't get a nice close up view of Nashville during the day. Well, if anyone has ever been there, you know what its like. Bushwick, Brooklyn. Vagrants on almost every corner. We saw these vagrants at the hotel getting kicked out by the cops. Well, it was hardcore, the houses were shitty. The gas stations were ghettoer than I have ever seen in my life. And apparently, they don't eat. At all. And I was ready to buy a gas station corn dog. Luckily, for my own health and safety Xmas talked me out of that potentially lethal situation.
We found a Shoneys. A Shoneys with an all you can eat breakfast buffet. Oh yes, Rez, Xmas and I gorged on french toast sticks and eggs and biscuits. We did this until we were satisfied.
I arrive back at the hotel and realize I have to work the snack room. This big room on the 1st floor that has all sorts of free food for the phreakers and hackers. Apparently no one cared about the opening ceremony. Because I was joined by Lucky225, Aestetix and his friends, Xmas and NTheory in the snack room. At about 1pm or so, my shift was up. I got a can of alcoholic energy drink from a chick who said she knows El Jefe and noticed my handle as a PLA lackey. I snag Xmas and Rez and Cessna's brother (somehow) and we head to buy liquor in Xmas' 1991 Saturn SL-1. mc chris blasting the entire way there, we manage to get out alive. We procure whiskey, Boone's Farm mellonball and blue flavoured wine, and Jack Daniels mixers for me. A hasty retreat the hotel as I carry in enough alcohol from outside to drown a small army.
It gets pretty hazy after this, so please bear with me. Drinking was constant after this. I watch some panels, but only for about 10 minutes at a time. I somehow manage to get a call out to RBCP and tell him to drive down here and hang out with me. I managed to smoke down a pack of cigarettes by 3pm. Around 3pm I see Zeroknowledge, who I know from Kansas City and from Cal's Forums. I'm pretty damn sloshed by this time, and we go back to his room to smoke a few herbs. So now, I'm high, and I'm drunk. I go back to my room to take a nap. Aestetix and Xmas and Rez have already had this idea. But the sugar from my JD mixers is coursing its way through my bloodstream. I couldn't rest, it was a very impaired sugar high.
Somewhere in the middle of this, I lose about an hour having sex. With who, I'm really not gonna say, and I'm not about to go into details.
But after this, I get to check IDs on the top floor. I am visably intoxicated at this point, and I told Lissa that its probably not a good idea for me to be doing anything at this point. I go up anyway. People walk by and offer me more alcohol(!). This really nice chick named Seppy brought me a big waterbottle filled with vodka and a couple drops of orange juice. One of the MW2600 guys let me have a few swigs of Bacardi 151. Sometime after checking IDs, I go back to someone's room and they take pictures. Not that I remember this, but there are pictures of me. So I know I was there.
Being grossly intoxicated, I got a stern talking to from Skydog and the security team, and they took my picture. The night passed by in a haze, I remember running into Cessna and Natas. The sixth floor was taken over by a heated debate over God and aliens. The chick in 612, right next to me, came out and told us SHUT THE FUCK UP! And Natas says that she was totally ass naked. I went into my room to lay on my bed and try and sober up. My phone rings and I hear RBCP's familiar voice say that he is the front desk and that we're causing trouble. I hang up, in my drunken state, not able to deal with that right now.
Zeroknowedge and Xmas somehow come into the room during this time. I say to no one in particular that RBCP just called and that he should be here. I hear him say, oh really? I look up, and standing there is RedBoxChilliPepper, the guy who started that stupid phonelosers shit. Instead of punching him in the head like I've always dreamed of, I kinda sat back down cause the room was spinning. I stopped drinking here, right about 1am or so. During this time, I'm still very drunk. We walk around, and back up to Zeroknowledge's room and make prank calls. Somehow I pass by this guy with Miller Highlife pants who goes by the name Q-zar and I call everyone a n00b. He gets irate, and knocks on the door and proceeds to yell at me. There is a very candid picture of me at Zeroknowledge's door getting screamed at by him. Now, I really didn't mean any disrespect, does any drunk 18 year old mean anything he says? Especially at a fucking hacker conference. Unless you're Tron or something. Oh well.
I pass out soon after this.
I wake up with a fucking horrific hangover. I head down to the snack room to get some breakfast. I munch on some Nutty bars, Pepsi and Slim Jims to get my blood sugar up. I hang out with RBCP in the lobby area, and we shoot the shit for a while. I talk with NTheory, of the Bellsmind fame. What a kickass, down to Earth guy. Saturday was pretty uneventful. We got word that the phonelines were comprimised, and were forwarded to another line. And that they were getting all sorts of bullshit because of it. I heard talk around that the Staff think that I and RBCP are behind it. Around this time, I'm hanging out on the roof balcony and there seems to be a staff member present around me the entire time. RBCP and I head downstairs to have a smoke, and there is a police car there.
During this time, Aestetix takes a dip in the owned fountain full of bubbles and falls the fuck in. Quite hillarious. Around this time, RBCP says he wants to go home and sleep in his own bed that night. So we say our goodbyes and he leaves for Illinois. I get laid again, and it seems all good.
And then, all the sudden. Staff descends on me, and I'm escorted downstairs to the hotel office. Two police officers ask me if I have anything to do with the phone lines being hacked. This officer really had a hard time understanding the whole use of handles in the hacker community. She took down all of my info and a statement from me. She asked me for RBCP's info. I told her I didn't know where he lived, just his real name and where he lives. I still feel bad for giving that out, but fuck it, I was scared. Apparently they are getting statements from everyone in my room and who I was seen hanging out with that weekend.
The hotel manager wants me kicked the fuck out for the rest of the weekend. And his wish was Nashville PD's command. It was raining like a motherfucker, and I got a ride over to the Truckstop of America. This truckstop had wifi, a Country Kitchen and a shitload of Red Bull and Stacker 2's. So no more hacker con for me, I had to call my Dad and tell him what happened, and he was pissed to say the least. I was more worried about if Iceknife would still give me a ride home. So I set up my laptop, buy a couple packs of cigarettes and get ready to spend a sizeable chunk of my weekend in this truckstop. And thats what I did. The entire night, spent in the truckstop. Zeroknowledge came by to see me, I called out to Judas, who gave me the best advice. Just calm down and everything will turn out for the better. RBCP offered to put me up in a hotel nearby, but I turned him down.
Sunrise over the Bell South building. It was pretty surreal, I had been up for going on 30 or so hours. Still no word on the ride situation from Iceknife, who really didn't want to give me a ride back. He told me to call my Dad and get a bus ticket home (really nice, huh?). So I wait around until 10am, when Iceknife and Juice pull up. They agree to drive me back to Kansas City. I was just so happy I could finally sleep after being up for 39 or so hours against my will.
Apparently the police questioned Iceknife pretty hard. They thought that HE was RBCP and were going to arrest him for making a false report. Again, because the cop couldn't figure out the use of handles, and what they meant. What a stupid dumbass bitch cop pig. Oh well. The ride back was uneventful, I slept like a log most of the time. I arrived at my house around 6pm that night. Tired, dirty and really wanting a hot shower and my own bed. I was just glad the weekend was over.
Nothing ever came of the phone phreaking incident. I dont know why they chose me to pin the crime on. It was a fucked up situation all around, and I am kinda pissed that I got kicked out of the conference for it. I did have a fun time for the time I was there. I got to hang out and get to know Natas, Stankdawg, Lucky225, RBCP, Cessna and a bunch of other cool cats. JohnnyXmas, Aestetix and I had a fun time, even though I missed their panel. And to the staff of the Nashville Stadium Truckstop of America, thank you for letting me sit in that back booth with my laptop for a day and a half.
My first Phreaknic was fun, but I doubt I'll be allowed back. Arbie said it best, you know you've had a good time when you flee from it in fear.
I pulled off the greatest hax ever! I got some guy I know to pretend he was me and fooled murd0c into thinking he hung out with me all weekend when really it was just some loser from IRC! Guess what, murd0c, I never went to Nashville. HA! I bet you feel pretty stupid now, don't you?
Okay, I'm lying. I was there. On the phone I told murd0c that I would most likely be too lazy to drive all the way to Phreaknic, but I was actually packing up my stuff and getting ready to leave as I was talking to him. Later that night I arrived at the hotel and walked around, but didn't see murd0c anywhere. Since I only had zeroknowledge's cell phone number, I met up with him and we searched for murd0c for awhile. He told me how everyone at the con was ready to kill murd0c for being so drunk and stupid.
In zeroknowledge's room we came up with the bright idea of taking a stack of "Milk Matters" stickers that I had with me (don't ask) and covering the hotel with them. So we went around the hotel and stuck them on everything in sight. We spent about 30 minutes going from floor to floor and putting a Milk Matters sticker on every single door, wall, fire extinguisher, table, elevator, ceiling, stair, light fixture, carpet, etc. In under 30 minutes we had the hotel covered with stickers. Both elevators were covered with them, inside and out.
These were high quality stickers and they did not peel off easily. Whenever someone tried to peel a sticker off of anything they were lucky if half of it came off. By the end of the night there were half-stickers on nice oak tables, on the wallpaper, on floors, everywhere. This apparently really upset the Phreaknic staff. And probably the hotel staff too. One of the Phreaknic guys was overheard saying something like, "This makes no sense because these stickers aren't even COOL." They were on the lookout for the people that were responsible but we didn't tell anyone that it was us and nobody ever seemed to figure it out. If you know anyone on the Phreaknic staff, please don't tell on me!
Soon after that we were sitting around the room and pranking random rooms, impersonating the hotel front desk to cause all kinds of confusion. One of the rooms we called was murd0c's and he answered. I didn't know it was him so I tried to convince him I was with the front desk but he wouldn't fall for it. He finally realized that it was me after I'd hung up.
The next morning, somehow or another, some guy's cell phone started receiving phone calls for the hotel. The very hotel that we were staying at. And then, at some point, somehow me and murd0c ended up in possession of this person's cell phone. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. That's all I know. The cell phone was being passed around between many con goers, it ended up in our hands occasionally and eventually we became the official Days Inn customer service reps. Neither me nor murd0c made very good customer service representatives. In fact, the people who called usually ended up screaming pretty loudly at us. I don't think either of us will ever be able to get a job with Days Inn, answering their phones.
Several hours later, the phone lines were back to normal and I was going about my business as usual. But I kept hearing bad things about the phone incident. And then the police arrived. And I heard even more bad things. And then a few random people quietly warned me that I might want to make myself scarce. Finally I decided that I would be better off several hundred miles away from the Days Inn so I said my goodbyes and left. And lucky for me, murd0c was there to take all the heat for me! Thanks murd0c!
Linear - by Linear & RBCP - to the tune of Stan by Eminem.
Dear RedBox, I emailed you but you still ain't respondin'
I left my email, my voicemail, amd cloned cell at the bottom
I sent two emails yesterday, your server must be delivering late
There must be a problem with POP3 acting lame
Sometimes I typo when I use Netscape
But anyways; fuck it, what's been up? How's your son?
My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to have a little one
If I have a son, guess what I'ma call 'em?
I'ma name 'em Dino
I read about the StLSD hack yo, I'm sorry
I had a friend drop out of the scene over some bitch who 0wned him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I think you're swell
You know, I think you should do more shit for UPL
I got a directory full of your t-files and your pranks as well
I liked the shit you did for SysFail, that shit was fat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
on Internet Relay Chat, Truly yours, your admirer,
This is linear
Dear RedBox, you still ain't called or replied, as far as I can tell.
I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer email
If you didn't want to talk to me when we met at Defcon
You didn't have to, but you coulda given some PLA stickers to Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only eight years of age
But he's read every word on your webpage
And and Defcon you just said "No."
That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fucking idol
He wants to be just like you man, He beige boxes more than I do
I ain't mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we talked on AIM? You said if I emailed you
You would reply back - see I'm just like you in a way
Mildred Monday don't like me neither
I used to always call her up and repeat her
I can't wait to hear what you say in your calls
See when I'm listening to your pranks, I can't stop laughing at all
'cause I don't really got shit else, so that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even call your home and hang up after it rings
It's like adrenaline, red boxing is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is funny, and I respect you 'cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous cause ICQ you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you, RedBox, I've confused her
She don't know what it is like being a phoneloser
You gotta email me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, linear - P.S. We should teleconference together too.
This will be the last letter I ever send from my shell!
It's been six days and still no word, I don't deserve it!
I know you got my last two emails; I wrote them in PINE and it works perfect
So this is my suicide note, I hope you read it!
I'm sitting in the office at the 909 Verizon switch
And I've just wired the whole goddamned place with explosives,
This is your fucking fault, Arbie, that I'm doing this shit,
You know that song by Jay Z featuring Beyonce?
About that guy who was crusin' down the west side
And he'd do anything neccessary for her?
But then he didn't let the neccessary occur? That's kinda how this is,
Wait a minute, no it's not. What the hell am I talking about?
Anyway, it's too late for me now. The bomb is on a timer and counting down
and all I wanted was a lousy email or a fucking call
I hope you know I ripped ALL my PLA stickers off my lunchbox
I love you Arbie, we coulda been together, think about it.
You ruined it now, I hope the this letter gets you into so much shit
I hope the cops arrest you and your website has to quit,
I hope they decide to blame you for all of this,
And I hope you spend the rest of your life in a prison!
See Arbie, I've tied up my girlfriend right next to this bomb,
Me and her are gonna be blown to pieces when this thing goes off,
100 pounds of home-made explosives are going to tear this building up,
And we've only got a few seconds left so I better finsh writing stuff,
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to keep this letter from blowing up?
Dear Linear, I meant to email you sooner but I just been busy,
But that wasn't any reason to shut my phone off and cost me a reconnection fee.
Look, I'm really flattered you would name your son after my story,
And here's an autograph for your brother, I wrote it on a PLA trading card of me.
I'm sorry I missed you at Defcon, I guess I just didn't see ya,
But come on, Linear, did you really need to order me 85 pizzas?
And what's with sending all these contractors to my place?
They all want to give me estimates on roofing, asphalt and landscapes.
You got some issues Linear, I think you need to talk to a doctor,
Why else would you write in the newspaper that I'm selling a hellicopter?
Some of these things you're doing kind of makes me think you're a stalker,
Like when you had me paged at the theater when I was seeing Meet The Fockers.
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other,
Or maybe you just need to pay attention to her and stop sending me letters,
I hope you get to read this letter and you stop harassing me all the time,
Before I have to retaliate and disconnect all of YOUR phone lines,
Just try to relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you.
To do the things to me that El Jefe and I used to do to other fools,
But Linear, why are you so mad? Try to understand that I do want you as a fan,
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit,
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick,
Some dude was drunk in California and blew up a telephone switch,
And had his girlfriend with him and she was pregnant with his kid,
In fact, it was in southern California right about where you live,
Come to think about it, the guy's name was Jared.
Oh wait, that's you... Damn!
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..
Guilty Deter - by RBCP - to the tune of Guily Conscience by Eminem & Dr. Dre
Meet Deter, 17 years old.
Fed up with having to pay outrageous amounts on his long distance bill,
he decides to steal calls from the phone company.
But as he picks up the phone, he has a sudden change of heart.
And suddenly, his conscience comes into play...
Alright, stop! (Huh?)
Now before you pick up the cord of this rotary phone
and try to enter your stolen codes
you better think of the consequence (who are you?)
I'm your motherfuckin conscience.
Pick up the handset and dial the number to Target,
ask for an outside line and get the operator to divert a call to Everett
Talk to your friend for hours about how your fraudulent scam went
Explain to him how to set up teleconferences by doing the same shit.
Yeah but if it all connects through like it's supposed to
you've still done this shit from your home phone and they can trace you
Think about it, you're breaking the first rule
of always using a pay or a cell phone, you damned fool
Fuck that, SBC will never figure it out
don't you think they got more important things to worry about?
than some kid using his home phone to misroute
his phone calls just to give his homies a shout out?
Man, don't even try it. It's not worth it to risk jail.
You're gonna get nailed, just send your friend an email.
Don't even listen to this guy, he don't know what he's talking about.
You better shut the hell up before I pop you in the mouth.
Several months later, our friend Deter has discovered 2600 magazine
After reading an old article on red boxing,
He builds a tone dialer red box and heads to a pay phone to make a call
Once again, his conscience comes into play...
Now listen to me, you gotta reprogram this thing
with 5 short beeps to fool the phone company's computer thing, G.
Now all you gotta do is dial up random numbers in Sydney.
Yo! Don't you realize what you're doing is a felony?
You shouldn't trick the operators, it's just not fair.
Hey, do you really think the fucking operators care?
All the phone lines are just open and sitting there.
They don't lose any money when you steal from those corporate bears
[Dre] Man, ain't you ever seen that one hacker movie?
[Eminem] No, but I seen that retarded one with Angelina Jolie.
[Dre] Shit, you're gonna end up sitting in jail.
[Eminem] I doubt it, PLA issue 2 says this is safe and never fails..
Meet Neil Roberts, a thirty-nine year old real estate agent.
After coming home from a hard day at the office
he comes home to find Deter with a phone plugged into
his TNI box. ("Who the fuck are you???")
Alright, man, lets sit down with this kid and have a talk.
Fuck that, man, you just caught this little punk in your phone box
While you at work he's here making free phone calls
Fuck callin' the cops, knock this little fucker's head off!
[Dr. Dre] Wait! What if there's a rational explanation for this?
[Eminem] What? He works for the phone company and is just trying to fix up your shit?
Okay, maybe that's not the way it happened
But go easy on him, man, he's just a kid
He don't really know what he did
Think about your future before you think about shootin' him.
Okay! Thought about it, still wanna grab him?
Hold the little fucker upside down, kick him and laugh at him?
Bloody his nose and shove that orange phone up his ass?
Drag him to the road and throw him in front of the next car to pass?
Dude, just call the police. This boy needs help
It isn't going to do any good just to send him to hell
Jesus man, how would you feel if you were Neil?
Seeing all this little fuckers 900 numbers all over your phone bill?
Having to deal with the phone company and convince them they're not real.
All this kid does is go around and steal.
Okay, you're right. Grab that piece of phone wire, Neil.
Let's show this little retard how a good strangling feels...
(choking sounds...music stops.)
linear - FIRED! Phractal - FIRED!
Head of State, Editor Toneage Editor, Arrogance
Rob T Firefly - FIRED! Harry Tuttle - FIRED!
Token Elder, Interim Editor Team Activism Co-Founder